Thankful in ALL things...

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16‭-‬18 NIV

Give thanks is ALL circumstances... God wants me to be thankful no matter the circumstance...

It is hard to be thankful in ALL things... I am thankful all that I have. But I am human and struggle with personal demons related to ungodly choices I have made...

Lauren Daigle has a song...well she has lots of songs... But one in particular is a hard song me because I feel unworthy of God's love, grace and mercy...

You Say by Lauren Daigle. 

The lyrics start...I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough, Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up, Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know...
You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing ...You say I am strong when I think I am weak...You say I am held when I am falling short...When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours...And I believe...What You say of me....

The problem I don't always believe...because I am human and my own brain gets in the way... I struggle to be thankful

I struggle with life and my brain and doing what God wants me to do and following His will...

My prayer today ...
God, I give you my brudens my worries my past my present and my future... I can't handle this life amd its struggles without You and your strength and guidance. Thank you for your mercy and grace, because I know I deserve hell and separation from You but because of your grace and mercy I am allowed to live a life for you and finally meet you in Heaven one day ... Lord help me have a thankful heart, and mouth amd brain... Help my actions speak of your love, and grace and mercy ... Amen

https://bible.com/bible/111/1th.5.16-18.NIV
https://www.shazam.com/track/430774707/you-say

Baby Girl...

A year ago, I suspected that I was pregnant and a couple of days later confirmed it with an at-home pregnancy test and then confirm it again with a trip to the doctor's office... I was not in complete shock about being pregnant because my husband and I had been trying ... but I wanted to make sure before I go my hopes up and started telling people and planning the next steps...

I was 34 when we found out about our little bundle of joy... and was going to be 35 when I gave birth, so as a precaution I endured extra blood tests to check for chromosomal abnormalities and waited on pins and needles for results...Thankfully our baby was normal and healthy according to all the blood tests... but I was still fearful of things going wrong...

But I put on my smile and continued to go about my life ... but inside I was scared I was not doing enough for my baby, that was not eating the right things or enough food or was not going to be able to emotionally handle being a mom or if we would have money to be able afford having a baby or to buy the things she needed. I was scared that I was going to gain all the weight back that I worked so hard to take off.

I also had joys during my pregnancy, like when I found out we were having a little girl and when I felt her move and kick for the first time and knew if was actually her doing it.  I was joyful that nothing was wrong and I had a healthy pregnancy and only gained about 30 lbs.

The Friday before I gave birth

My "smile" was on during my pregnancy I did not complain much or worry out loud to anyone about all my feelings or how we were struggling to make ends meet ... I posted pictures of my growing baby bump and about our excitement and gifts received... I showed the world the happy side and smiled...

Like my pregnancy, labor and delivery were also fairly easy. My water broke on a Wednesday morning, a friend took me to the hospital and my husband, who was at work, met us there. I labored most of the day with minimal pain and discomfort. But late in the afternoon, when the contractions got more intense and too painful for me to handle, I asked for the epidural (which was its own special kind of pain) and was able to relax... A long time friend was there to help me and my husband and support me through the painful contractions before the epidural and  I had a visit from my step-kids and their mom once the pain had subsided. I was able to sleep and relax until they told me it was time to wake my husband and start pushing.

Our healthy baby girl, Trinity-Rey Paige, was born on Thursday at 5:33 a.m. with very little trauma to either of us. She was beautiful and I could not take my eyes off of her, but what shocked me about her birth is the fact that I did not cry... I always thought I would cry tears of happiness. I was happy and thankful, but not crying. She began nursing and we had skin to skin for almost 2 hours before they weighed her and did all the normal new baby vitals.

The first days and weeks of Trinity-Rey's life were full of me being scared I was messing it up and doing it all wrong... I was tried and she was tired or hungry or wet or dirty or cold or I am not sure ... but in the days and weeks after she was born I made up for my lack of crying in the delivery room and we both did a lot of crying.

Now my little girl is 4 months old and she is a happy baby and I love her with all of my heart...and we make it through one day at a time with very little crying by either of us.

Trinity-Rey (2 days shy of 4 months old)

Smile!

I remember, as a fifth grader about to start the school year at new school after my mom and first step-dad divorced, sitting in the car being sad and sullen and my mom smiling a big goofy smile and telling me "SMILE."  

I did not want to smile... I was upset about leaving my friends and our nice big house with a yard and the neighborhood where I could ride my bike and play with friends behind to move to a small apartment on the other side of town and start at another school where I had to make new friends and figure out where I fit in again.  I did not completely understand why we had to leave the house and move and start over... But I was supposed to be happy and smile, when I was far from being happy or wanting to smile.

I was supposed to SMILE, because no one needed to know that I was unhappy about changing schools again, moving again, or leaving behind people and things I knew to have to discover new things... this has been a theme for my life since then...

After watching the below video, I realized that I "smile" through lots of things and don't show what is truly happening on the inside until I have dug a hole to deep to get out of on my own... and then I have trouble asking for help.

Look at my social media, you might think I have a fairly perfect life with a loving husband and a baby who is happy 24/7.  You might think this because I post pictures of my 4 month old daughter almost everyday and talk about how happy she is...But what I don't post is how she just spit up all me or had an epic diaper that required the whole car seat to taken apart and washed and dried by hand because our washer died the night before or how I feel alone even though I am surrounded by my little family, scared that none of them love or even like me and when I am about to lose my mind in sadness or lash out in anger over something that makes no difference in grand scheme of things ... 

This video has helped me realized that I need to be more transparent in my struggles and not just my joys... it will not be easy for me because I am use to posting nothing but happy things but I want to be brave and challenge myself to connect with the world that feels so far away. 

Thank you Mikel for showing me that life is not perfect and that it is ok to share the non-perfectness that life is.

A brief history...

So a brief history ... Marty (my husband) and I met in Lewisville, Texas in November 2011.  In October of 2012, Marty and I got engaged and shortly thereafter Marty accepted a job in Southern California. By the end of October he was got while I stayed behind to pack our apartment and finish out the lease, which ended in January 2013...

We planned my move to California and our wedding over the phone and via email. In February, 2013, I moved to sunny Southern California, Anaheim to be exact, and found a job in Irvine. We worked and played and grew as a couple and a family with Marty's two kids from his first marriage. We made a nice little life for ourselves in Anaheim.  

After almost 2 years in Anaheim we decided after Marty and I both changed jobs to move to the San Fernando Valley. We found a house to rent that was just a little out of our price range but we decided to try and make it work for us...A year and a couple months later as we were struggling we finally admitted to ourselves that we were struggling ...

What do I mean by "struggling," I mean that the day before I went into labor we met with an attorney and filed ended up filing bankruptcy a few weeks after Trinity-Rey was born... Struggling means making the tough decision to leave our California life behind including spending every weekend with my step-kids and going to their school activities, having Trinity-Rey grow up without her older brother and sister there. I mean making a very tough decision to ask for help from my parents to help us pay for the move.

I am not putting this out there to be all boo-who look at us and help us and have pity on us... I am putting it out there to show that life is not perfect and things don't always happen as planned ... 

Choose to Remember

Today is Memorial Day... Please take a moment to stop and remember all of those who have lost their lives fighting for our freedom...