Baby Girl...

A year ago, I suspected that I was pregnant and a couple of days later confirmed it with an at-home pregnancy test and then confirm it again with a trip to the doctor's office... I was not in complete shock about being pregnant because my husband and I had been trying ... but I wanted to make sure before I go my hopes up and started telling people and planning the next steps...

I was 34 when we found out about our little bundle of joy... and was going to be 35 when I gave birth, so as a precaution I endured extra blood tests to check for chromosomal abnormalities and waited on pins and needles for results...Thankfully our baby was normal and healthy according to all the blood tests... but I was still fearful of things going wrong...

But I put on my smile and continued to go about my life ... but inside I was scared I was not doing enough for my baby, that was not eating the right things or enough food or was not going to be able to emotionally handle being a mom or if we would have money to be able afford having a baby or to buy the things she needed. I was scared that I was going to gain all the weight back that I worked so hard to take off.

I also had joys during my pregnancy, like when I found out we were having a little girl and when I felt her move and kick for the first time and knew if was actually her doing it.  I was joyful that nothing was wrong and I had a healthy pregnancy and only gained about 30 lbs.

The Friday before I gave birth

My "smile" was on during my pregnancy I did not complain much or worry out loud to anyone about all my feelings or how we were struggling to make ends meet ... I posted pictures of my growing baby bump and about our excitement and gifts received... I showed the world the happy side and smiled...

Like my pregnancy, labor and delivery were also fairly easy. My water broke on a Wednesday morning, a friend took me to the hospital and my husband, who was at work, met us there. I labored most of the day with minimal pain and discomfort. But late in the afternoon, when the contractions got more intense and too painful for me to handle, I asked for the epidural (which was its own special kind of pain) and was able to relax... A long time friend was there to help me and my husband and support me through the painful contractions before the epidural and  I had a visit from my step-kids and their mom once the pain had subsided. I was able to sleep and relax until they told me it was time to wake my husband and start pushing.

Our healthy baby girl, Trinity-Rey Paige, was born on Thursday at 5:33 a.m. with very little trauma to either of us. She was beautiful and I could not take my eyes off of her, but what shocked me about her birth is the fact that I did not cry... I always thought I would cry tears of happiness. I was happy and thankful, but not crying. She began nursing and we had skin to skin for almost 2 hours before they weighed her and did all the normal new baby vitals.

The first days and weeks of Trinity-Rey's life were full of me being scared I was messing it up and doing it all wrong... I was tried and she was tired or hungry or wet or dirty or cold or I am not sure ... but in the days and weeks after she was born I made up for my lack of crying in the delivery room and we both did a lot of crying.

Now my little girl is 4 months old and she is a happy baby and I love her with all of my heart...and we make it through one day at a time with very little crying by either of us.

Trinity-Rey (2 days shy of 4 months old)